Backlogged

Here are some of the posts I made prior to starting this blog:

December 20th, 2016.  8:15pm.

Family and friends, I just got a call from a detective. Diana, my partner, my love, killed herself this evening. I am paralyzed.

December 21st, 2016.  2:43am.  

Sometimes love isn’t enough.

Saying you love and support trans people isn’t enough.

Saying you love and support sex workers isn’t enough.

Saying you love and support people with disabilities and mental health struggles just isn’t enough.

Trans people, and sex workers wanting to leave sex work, and people struggling with mental health issues, need to survive. You are a lifeline if you have hiring power. Start putting your politics into practice.

My love’s mental health was the best it has been in years, but she had no hope of meeting her basic needs come January. She was facing the shelter system or being dependent on others to survive when all she wanted was a decent paying, full time job.

Tonight, the only emotion I can access is anger. I feel our community and our organizations (many of them across two counties) failed this beautiful and brilliant soul. I am devastated.

December 21st, 2016.  6:57am.  

This feels like the longest night of my life. I cannot sleep. I can’t even imagine eating. I can hardly breathe.

Thank you to those who came to be with me in person – Tori Bertran, Jennifer Ann Love, Alina Maria Tello-Cordon, Jessie North, Gabriel Rodrigo Tello, and to the many who offered but whom I turned away in the space of feeling overwhelmed.

I know I have a lot of love around me, but right now I have very little will, and I don’t know how I will get through this.

December 21st, 2016. 7:06am.

I wish we had chosen new milestones. I would do anything to do some of this over again.

Thank you for helping me get through graduate school. Thank you for doing my laundry every weekend. Thank you for loving me with your whole self. There are no words. I wish I had known it would be this soon.

I hope you are at peace.

You fought long and hard, lovie. I love you in ways that I cannot articulate. Now and forever.

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December 21st, 2016. 6:25am. 

So grateful to have caught this moment between Logan and Little Cat (LC).

lc-logan

December 21st, 2016. 7:28pm.

Last night, I immediately opened my holiday gifts from Diana when I got home. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving them wrapped.

She wrote about faith, hope, and love on the three packages.

The most beautiful ties were inside one of the boxes. The other two items were a food processor (mine broke) and a fancy detachable shower head. She knew me so well. I was talking about the food processor this weekend, and she had already purchased and wrapped it.

I can’t believe she is gone. It is still hard to think and even to breathe.

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December 22nd, 2016. 3:43am.Please make the pain stop. Please make the awful nervous feeling in my belly go away. Please let me sleep. Please say this isn’t real.

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