Insomnia, Day 4

I keep thinking that I will sleep. I can’t. My mind won’t slow down, and even though many people are stepping up to help (and others are managing all of the offers and tasks), I feel like there is just so much to do. I also feel like I need to process and just can’t stop.

At least I was able to eat last night.  Chosen family took me for Korean BBQ.  We sat for three hours and talked and laughed and cried.  I feel so loved one minute, and so alone the next.

And then I get bogged down with unanswered questions, bargaining, rationalizing, guilt and shame.

I have made arrangements to go to therapy twice in the next four days, so there’s that.

It’s the little stuff that overwhelms me.  Simple tasks seem huge, and huge tasks seem surmountable.  Nothing makes sense.

So many questions.

Who will help me shave my pubes and pick my pimples?  Who will talk with me online every day about my daily coming’s and going’s?  Where will the I-Love-You’s come from?  The head pets and back scratches?  The cuddles and the warmth?  The conversations that almost always lasted for hours?  The lunches and dinners out?  The pokemon runs (where I almost always fell asleep)?

How in the world will I ever get laid again?  Do I even want to?  It took me forever to even want to kiss someone.  Oh my god, I miss her mouth already.  This can’t be true. This can’t be real.

I want to be with people.  I want to be alone.  I want to see everyone.  I want to see no one.

I want to see her.

I feel like I’m drowning tonight.  But it’s probably just the sleep deprivation.


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