I just realized that it is is Saturday morning. I don’t even know how I got from Tuesday evening to here. This is all such a blur. I do not want it to be Saturday. No no no no no. What am I going to do on my Saturday nights?
And tonight is Christmas Eve. We had plans to spend the morning opening gifts, like we did last year, and the evening with my Mom and Grandmother. After all, we dodged Thanksgiving by going on a cruise during that week. I have two unopened cards from Diana to my mom and grandma on my kitchen counter.
Exactly a week ago, I woke up in my love’s bed. She invited me over Friday night (which was rare, unexpected, and highly welcomed). We talked. She made me Amarula with Amaretto’s on ice. Three of them. We talked a lot more, we made love, and we went to sleep sometime in the wee hours. It was delightful to wake up Saturday with her, and to know that I would get to do the same thing again on Sunday. Any variance in our routine that resulted in us spending extra time together always made me very, very happy.
Usually, I’d wake up at home alone on Saturday mornings. These are the thoughts that would often run through my head: “Get up, shower, go to therapy, hit up the farmer’s market, have a nice lunch, do your house chores, then spend lots of time with lovie. Yay! What will we do tonight, I wonder…”
Not seeing your lover all week makes for really amazing weekends — the anticipation alone really benefited our dynamic (this was part of our resistance to moving in together, too). We both looked forward to Saturday evenings in a huge way, and we often basked in cuddles, conversation, and love on Sunday mornings. At some point, we declared our standing weekly date “Sexy Saturday.”
Some Sexy Saturdays, I took way too long to arrive, and I was often later than I said I would be. At some point, Diana told me that we should stop setting up an ETA, because me being late caused her anxiety. I remember her saying to me, “I get so happy when I wake up on Saturday and realize that we’re going to spend our time together, but then it’s really hard waiting around on you all day, tapping my Thumper (foot).”
There are so many things I would do differently had I known this was coming. Do not take a single moment for granted when you’re in love. Really trivial things often delayed my arrival time on Sexy Saturday. I could have left those dishes in the sink until a weeknight. I could have gotten off the phone with friends sooner. I could have eaten lunch a little bit quicker.
It took us a really long time to more closely align around our perceptions of time, scheduling, and routines. We did the work, and I would surely do it with her all over again. Only this time, I would be there much, much earlier.
I can’t believe it’s Saturday. I don’t want it to be. I don’t want our time to be upon me without her here.