Signs & Shamans Part 2

A few days ago, I begged my baby love to keep sending me signs.  I stood in the shower naked, vulnerable, raw, fearful, the water cascading down my skin, just holding myself the way I wish I could hold her.  I begged her to tell me that she is at peace, that there was nothing I could have done differently, and that somehow, I will be okay.

There were already ‘things’ happening (see my previous post on Signs & Shamans), that weren’t making ‘sense,’ but I have never been spiritual so I just chalked a lot of it up to me looking for stuff to somehow put me at peace — self-fulfilling prophecies if you will.

That said, the signs really do seem to keep coming.  There have been many in the past few days, so I am sure that I will forget some.  These are coming to me right now:

1) About two weeks ago, Diana told me about a private Facebook group where people could post about unwanted/intrusive/messy/inappropriate thoughts that come to them.  It sounded powerful, kind of like Postsecret, so I asked her if I could join.  She worried I might see something of hers that would be disturbing at some point.  We reminded each other that one of our agreements was around not keeping secrets, but I wanted to ensure the space there remained safe for her.  So that we could both participate in the group, we agreed not to talk about any posts that we might see of one another’s, and that if we ended up having to do so, I would leave the group so that she could keep that outlet.  I never remember getting a Facebook invite, though I am pretty sure I watched her invite me.   A few days after her death, I got an invite to the group.

2) Diana wrote messages to me in Sharpie on the outside of each of my holiday gifts. She put the following messages:  1) To Landon, I have FAITH in you. -Diana. 2) To Landon, With as much HOPE as can be. -Diana 3) To Landon, with all my LOVE. -Diana.

A few days later, one of Diana’s closest friends, Ms. Kitty, made this Facebook posting:

The True Meaning of Hanukkah

Hanukkah is not a ‘high holiday’. I believe whatever commercialization there is of Hanukkah is just as much about not being invisible and about connecting through joint purpose and values with other cultures, many of whom celebrate *something* in the winter season.

Today, so many emotions. So much love, so much sad. So many gone, that I miss. So many more, near and far to love, care for and feel loved in return. For the first time in my life, I *get* Hanukkah, the Festival of Light. It’s story of resilience, faith, hope and ultimately the love of family that strengthens through adversity, and of course, food. (For those of you who may not know, in Jewish culture, food =love).

I wish these things for you, dear Reader, my friend and family, blood and chosen. Whatever you celebrate, or not, may you see Light, know faith and hope, feel love, carry the strength and resilience of your ancestors and angels and break delicious bread with those you love, throughout your days.

3) I met with Diana’s therapist yesterday for the first time.  I felt compelled to do that immediately upon hearing about her suicide.  (That will be a whole different blog entry once I can muster up the energy)  There were many, many moments that struck me as powerful, potentially spiritual during our three hours together, but these two stood out:

-At one point, I looked over and noticed she has a carved sign that said:  WordShaman.  Diana was an unbelievable wordsmith, and a shaman.  Just a powerful visual moment for me.

-In talking about her therapist over the last several months, Diana referred to her as “extraordinary” several times.  Anyone who knew Diana well would know that this was saying a lot, given that she really despised mental health practitioners and always worried about them Baker Acting her due to her persistent suicidal ideation.  Truly, she suffered a lot of harm at the hands of this system, including losing her autonomy and being forced onto Prozac in her 20’s (which caused what she referred to as a psychotic break).  It was a miracle that she was willing to see another therapist at all, especially after some experiences just a few months prior with a major agency in Broward.  After I met with her therapist yesterday for the first time, I told a mutual friend of Diana and I about the session.  I was in tears just talking about it, because the session was so very powerful and healing.  Our friend replied, “Wow!  She sounds extraordinary.”

4) I was tagged in a post yesterday by one of Diana’s friends. It mentioned that Diana was recently singing “Outdoors” by Jason Mraz to her and another friend when they were together, and that it had come on and reminded her of that moment.  I am a huge Jason Mraz fan (and I introduced him to Diana); I couldn’t think of a song called “Outdoors,” so I looked it up.  I realized that she probably meant “I’m Yours.”  Outdoors is a remake that Jason did for Sesame Street for kids.  I listened to it anyway and I was blown away.  I chatted with Diana’s friends and she realized that it was indeed “I’m Yours” that Diana had been singing.  Mind you, Diana loved nothing more than being in nature, being outdoors.  In fact, she chose to take her life outdoors, in a state park about 1.5 hours north of her home. I’ll just leave this here:

All day I’ve been inside
And I’ve got the feeling
I’m trapped between the walls
And underneath the ceiling
I feel a bit off track
And now I’m trying to get back

Back in the cool cool air
Where the sun in shining
Nothing’s gonna stop me
It’s all in the timing
It’s finally again my turn
It’s time to return

Cause I won’t stay inside
No more no more
I cannot wait to go outdoors
hey hey hey (Elmo)

Well open up your door
And be like me
Open up your door
And then breathe free
Look at all the beauty you’ll feel
Love love love love

Listen to the music of the wind
And the birdies sing
We’re just one big family
And all of nature deserves to be
Loved loved loved loved loved

So I won’t stay inside
No more no more
It cannot wait
I’m sure
There’s no need to run and hide
Let’s go explore
It feels so great
Let’s go outdoors

do do do do do do do do
Everyone come on
Come on out here
Where the air is fresh and clear

So I won’t stay inside
No more no more
It cannot wait
Let’s go outdoors

Well open up your door
And be like me
Open up your door
And then breathe free
Look at all the beauty
And you’ll find the earth
And the sky is yours
So please don’t
There’s no need
There’s no need to hide inside
Let’s go explore
This’ll this’ll
It feels so great
Let’s go outdoors

I won’t stay inside
No more no more
It cannot wait
I’m sure
There’s no need to run and hide
Let’s go explore
It feels so great
Let’s go outdoors

5) Today, a friend from college – someone I am not very close or in regular communication with, and someone who didn’t know Diana – messaged me.  She told me that I must see Cloud Atlas.  I had never heard of it before, I don’t think.  She wrote:

“Not sure if you’ve seen Cloud Atlas (or if you’re in a place to watch it emotionally), but it’s a transcendent movie and you should watch it if you haven’t. I cry every time I watch it. The Wachowskis are able to transcend time and space and celebrate life and see past death in a heartbreakingly beautiful way that defies words – that echoes (yet often discusses) the parts of our world that defy logic, scientific explanation…everything. Anyway, at least from the outside, your love with Diana was one of those things that shocked me that the universe could produce two such perfect puzzle pieces. (And re: perfection, see Robin William’s quote from Good Will Hunting on love and perfection.)  Watch Cloud Atlas on a weekend when you want carthasis. Like if you want to process things cosmically, journal, blog, etc.  I had to watch it twice before I fully grasped what all was going on. In the book, there are I believe seven stories in seven times, and it tells the first half of the oldest story, the first half of the next oldest, etc., and then the whole of the newest story, the last half of the next-to-last one, etc. The Wachowskis weave them all together, and different actors play different people in different times.”  She also said “You know both the Wachowskis are trans?  They are, so for me at least it’s really beautiful to see how they infuse that into their films/shows.”

I told her that it sounded way too complex for me right now.  I am not feeling like piecing this complex movie together, even if it sounds brilliant, even if the writers are trans.  I can barely piece my days and next steps together at the moment.

Later this afternoon, I was logged into Diana’s Facebook.  I noticed a link off to the left of her page that allowed me to filter all of the posts down to just her posts.  I couldn’t resist clicking on it.  I felt like it might be healing or insightful just to read through the past few weeks of her posts, with no other garbage in between.  Within just a minute or two, I found this post from December 6th, 2016:

Just watched Cloud Atlas for the first time. And now I want to re-cut the film and put all the scenes in chronological order.

That’s probably the only way I could watch it right now.

6) Oh, and by the way — just one more.  Note that this person I was chatting with above (see item 5) also brought up Good Will Hunting.  That was my favorite movie of all time until Garden State took the #1 spot.

This is the quote she referenced:

“Will, she’s been dead two years and that’s the shit I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That’s what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too, she knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not.  Aw, that’s the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let in to our weird little worlds. You’re not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal. That’s what intimacy is all about.”

Indiosyncrasies, peccadillos, and intimacy defined our relationship in every way.  And yes, we were both very, very imperfect…

… but together, we were perfect.


2 thoughts on “Signs & Shamans Part 2

  1. Pingback: Signs & Survivors | In Love That Never Dies

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