Backlog 8 – 1/8/17

January 8th, 2017. 12:02am.

Grief can feel really surreal.

January 8th, 2017. 1:05am.

Proof that Diana was a bad ass: she lost four families in her lifetime. I’ve only lost one, and it sometimes feels like my entire life is over. She was such a force.

January 8th, 2017. 2:28am.

Having emotions inside your belly feels awful.

January 8th, 2017. 12:33pm.

I am headed to a retreat for work this week. I feel like I’m falling apart, and don’t know how I’ll get through this time. I know I will be surrounded by good people, but I don’t recognize myself. Please send strength and calm.

January 8th, 2017. 6:50pm.

There is so much uneasiness in not being able to message you to share about my day. I really miss your “active now” green dot.

I have had so much anxiety in the past 24 hours. I’m trying to imagine what you’d tell me.

I miss you with my whole heart, and I love you so so much.

January 8th, 2017. 7:01pm.

I know that it was your intention to leave the cruelty, exhaustion, and pain associated with being in this world — but sometimes it feels like you just left me.

January 8th, 2017. 7:11pm.

Two people gave me the book “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion. I figured the universe was saying something, so I brought it with me on the retreat.

Very early on in the book, she points to psychiatrist Eric Lindemann’s 1944 description of the same experiences I’ve been having on and off for the last three weeks since Diana took her life: “sensations of somatic distress occurring in waves lasting from twenty minutes to an hour at a time, a feeling of tightness in the throat, choking with shortness of breath, lack of muscular power, and intense subjective distress described as tension or mental pain.”

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