Backlog 9 – 1/9 and 1/10/17

January 9th, 2017. 8:10am.

I am frustrated. I have not dreamt of Diana since this happened. I so long to feel she is here with me, even if only in my sleep.

The first thought that crosses my mind each morning is something akin to “Shit. She’s gone.” The second is “Did I dream of her? … Dammit.”

Maybe it’s because I’m still not sleeping soundly or long enough.

January 9th, 2017. 12:20pm.

There are so many moments throughout the day when reality hits. I get a flood of images, then I feel it in my belly, and it takes my breath away. I feel an overwhelming sense of despair, emptiness, hopelessness. Her words, her voice, her touch, her arms were my refuge from feelings like these.

Even as a social worker, I often don’t know what to tell myself in these moments or how to cope.

January 9th, 2017. 2:28pm.

Sometimes I just feel the need to throw up.

January 9th, 2017. 10:25pm.

We had so much left to do, to see, to feel and experience, to talk about with one another. We had entire lists of movies to see and restaurants we wanted to eat at together.

Futures aren’t guaranteed, y’all. Don’t put shit off.

January 9th, 2017. 10:27pm.

I am very grateful for my new work family today. I broke down HARD at one point, and I was wholly supported and loved on.

January 10th, 2017. 12:02am.

Wow. Diana dodged Backpage (a site where escorts and other sex workers advertise their services) being shut down. That would have overwhelmed her so hard. Damn. Silver linings?

January 10th, 2017. 7:14am.

Go to hell, transphobia, whorephobia, mental illness and cognitive distortion, ableism, fear, NPIC politics, suicidality.

And grief.

I feel like I am corroding from the inside out this morning.

January 10th, 2017. 7:20am.

It makes three weeks today that Diana walked out of this life. The feelings are just as raw as they were day one, except more varied and more complex. And the anxiety has gotten worse. I don’t know how people live through shit like this. I am so out of energy.

January 10th, 2017. 8:05am.

Sometimes it feels like there’s a pot of something just boiling inside my lungs.

January 10th, 2017. 11:10am.

My mom texted me last night that perhaps our love wasn’t true love if Diana was willing to leave me. This is really damaging right now. At what point do I cut off communication with her?

January 10th, 2017. 11:18pm.

I was pretty angry today and I had multiple meltdowns. Also, I am grieving our future almost as much as our past. I hate all of this. I would do anything to rewind time.

January 10th, 2017. 11:21pm.

I have been bleeding for two days — This is highly unusual. As a transmasculine person on regular testosterone, this is always somewhat distressing.

I believe my body is literally grieving our physical connection and intimacy. Everything is out of whack.






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