Backlog 10 – 1/11 and 1/12/17

January 11th, 2017.  11:06am.

There is such a void today. So much emptiness.

And I really hate the panicky waves that wash over me all day long.

January 11th, 2017.  11:12am.

Backpage shutting down is affecting people right here in our community in huge ways. And very few people seem to be worried.

January 11th, 2017.  12:33pm.

I don’t want to strive for nothing anymore,
I just want to lie here with you,
Keep the wolves outside the door.

There is nothing in this world you could ever show me that could ever matter more…
-Ani

January 11th, 2017.  2:18pm.

In the Keys for a work retreat, and everything is a trigger. The hardest part is that the location itself is a trigger. I see the ocean over and over, and I think of her … Of our time at sea, of our time in the sea, of our time spent dreaming about going to the Keys together. This is all such a nightmare. Please make it end. Someone, please please make this pain end.

January 11th, 2017. 5:04pm.

You can’t leave me here
I’ve had your back,
Now you’d better have mine,
‘Cause you say the coast is clear
But you say that all the time.

So many sheep I quit counting,
Sleepless and embarrassed,
About the way that I feel.
Trying to make mole hills out of mountains
Building base camp at the bottom
Of a really big deal
-Ani

January 12th, 2017. 7:12am.

Woke up at 6:30am, with thoughts and memories that quickly turned into anxiety. Guess I’m done sleeping.

January 12th, 2017. 7:18am.

When you’ve envisioned spending the rest of your life with someone, and then they’re suddenly gone, the ‘rest of your life’ just doesn’t look like much.

January 12th, 2017. 7:57am.

Despite hearing her voice in my head saying “guilt is a wasted emotion,” I just keep swimming in guilt. I really do believe there is a lot I could have said/done that would have made for a different outcome. I’m really mad at myself. I feel like I set myself up for this mess by not showing up in ways that I could and should have.

January 12th, 2017. 3:55pm.

Touch deprivation is so real right now. A coworker gave me a short shoulder massage and I wanted to cry.

January 12th, 2017. 5:59pm.

The hole in my heart just seems to be growing larger.

January 12th, 2017. 8:03pm.

*Everything* is triggering. I really feel like I don’t know how to navigate the world most days.

And the idea that it has almost been a month doesn’t even make sense to me.

January 12th, 2017. 9:47pm.

Wow – I had forgotten that Diana posted a YouTube link to the Ben Folds song, “The Luckiest” to my Facebook timeline back in November. I used to sing this to her sometimes.  All she wrote on the post was “I am.”

January 12th, 2017. 9:51pm.

On October 29th, I told Diana Hemingway:

“Partner.

You are my partner in love, partner in crime, partner in intellectual banter, partner in silly, partner in yummy eats, partner in spontaneity and new experiences, partner in honesty, authenticity, growth, and hope – – partner in this thing we call life.

I don’t know how or when this will end, but I hope it’s not any time soon. You’re the greatest love I’ve ever known.

Thank you for who you are. Thank you for helping me become a better version of me.

I love you.”

I never imagined it would end less than two months later. I still just can’t believe this.

January 12th, 2017. 10:34pm.

I just remembered that Diana and I were going to record ourselves for the StoryCorps app. Never got around to that. Or to giving her the holiday gifts I have for her.

One of these days, I’ll get the courage to write up some of our many plans – Including the cruise (with a balcony this time) that we booked for November 2017.

 

 

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