Backlog 13 – 1/15/17 & 1/16/17

Jan 15, 2017. 3:42am.

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Jan 15, 2017. 3:56am.

I think this officially qualifies as one of the toughest Saturday evenings I’ve had in three years.

All of this is both not real and very, very real at the same time. I miss my baby love so much.

Jan 15, 2017. 8:56am.

No matter what time I go to sleep, no matter what sleep aids I take, I wake up between 7 and 8:30am feeling anxious and unrested. Only slept maybe four hours, and definitely had a series of small bad dreams.

I’ve always slept easily until 10 or 11am, especially on Sunday mornings in her arms in Wilton.

Truly don’t recognize myself. I’m so sick of this.

Jan 15, 2017. 9:43am.

I really want to be positive, but I can’t find it in me. I am not going to apologize for my posts, but I know it might be a lot for folks to read, and that I post a lot.

Between the grief, anger, sleep deprivation, anxiety, memories that overcome me, reduced appetite, flashbacks, bodily stuff, and the overwhelming amount of work that must be done, I really feel like I’m losing the energy to keep pressing on.

I keep thinking ‘tomorrow will be better,’ but each day seems to get worse. I am starting to believe that the people telling me it gets better/easier are either not telling the truth, or haven’t really experienced this in the way that I am.

I lost my soulmate and it really feels like I’m losing my own soul.

I really need to work on her apartment today, but I just want to hide somewhere. I’m so tired.

Jan 15, 2017. 4:44pm.

Grief literally lives in my body. I feel so sick today.

Jan 15, 2017. 5:10pm.

Nothing seems to matter anymore. I feel disconnected from self and purpose. That alone is really hard to sit with.

Jan 15, 2017. 6:49pm.

Someday I will ask you if I was a disappointment
I will ask you if you put your hard earned money into a bad investment
You will tell me there are no guarantees but you got solutions for security
And I will ask you, I will ask you
How about my dreams

But you say life is a battlefield
And you have given me the arms
You say I have to fight
I have to keep moving on.
-Susie Suh

Jan 16, 2017. 10:07am.

That time, exactly two years ago today, when Diana Hemingway wrote for Daily Dot…

http://www.dailydot.com/irl/my-year-in-sex-work/

Jan 16, 2017. 10:09am.

“When without a warning, you walked right in … sat yourself inside me and ordered.

Never has it been … so easy, to just lay still, and let somebody see me.”

-Melissa Ferrick

Jan 16, 2017. 10:26am.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, “Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?”
No she’s not, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, “Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?”
No she can’t, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?
would you get them if I did?
No you won’t, ’cause you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part.

-John Mayer

Jan 16, 2017. 5:13pm.

This pain, and all that is currently associated with losing Diana, has reminded me that no matter how old we are, and although our bodies may grow, in many ways we are still our little selves.

At our most vulnerable (and when the baggage of life’s journey is set aside), we seek comfort, calm, protection and safety, familiarity, to be seen and heard, to be held, to feel loved.

Jan 16, 2017. 10:20pm.

Tonight, I went to a group for survivors of loved ones who have died by suicide. I have a lot to say, but need to mull it over for a bit longer first.

 

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