Backlog 14 – 1/17/17

Jan 17, 2017. 5:08am.

I would do anything to plug my brain into a device that would somehow let me record the 1000’s of memories I have of Diana to DVD’s.

Jan 17, 2017. 8:44am.

In some ways, it feels like the stages/cycle of grief begins anew each morning. I was fairly numb and more functional last night. I woke up (way too early) this morning, and the shock and anxiety and sadness and bargaining began all over again.

Diana’s last status on Facebook ended with “life is weird.” To that I say “grief is weird.”

Jan 17, 2017. 8:58am.

Just a year ago today, we saw the best little folk singer there is – Ani Difranco.

Jan 17, 2017. 8:59am.

How I miss comfort and familiarity. I miss my family. I miss home.

Jan 17, 2017. 11:25am.

Just broke myself into pieces looking at the drafts of our Relationship Agreements. One of Diana’s listed items under ‘intentions’ was that we would notify one another in person if we ever intended to end our relationship.

Guess she either didn’t see suicide as ending our relationship, or just fell short of intention.

Either way, this hurt like hell to read.

Jan 17, 2017. 5:55pm.

Today makes four weeks since my love ended her life in this world. I have experienced the lowest of lows, and don’t even know how I’m still here right now. There are no words for how much I miss her or the lengths I would go to have her back if that were possible. I feel like I’ve been walking around in an empty shell. I miss my soulmate.

Besides trying to spend as much time as possible with warm/loving people who make space for me to process, the only thing that has brought me any source of comfort is imagining that our journey together didn’t end when her body left this world on December 20th.

I have NEVER been a spiritual person, but this loss has brought me to a new place of desperately wanting there to be more than “we turn to dust and it’s over,” which is what I’ve always said.

I long to be with her again, in another realm, another universe, another life.

Jan 17, 2017. 7:59pm.

Even after four weeks, there are still so many moments when it just hits me that Diana is really gone. It feels like being kicked in the stomach, unable to breathe, a burst of adrenaline/anxiety through my entire body.

Jan 17, 2017. 8:14pm.

I loved how Diana Hemingway set her Facebook to show her notifications whenever I posted. She would often like/love my posts within seconds. This always made me smile.

However, as I look back, I realize that this just means that she was alone and at her computer almost constantly. I have thought a lot about her loneliness lately, and it makes me very, very sad.

I really believe that connection/love is all that is worth living for in this life. We really have to do better by the people we love.

Jan 17, 2017. 8:43pm.

I went for a massage today through Holistic Services where I work. The therapist ended up doing healing/energy work on my body instead of massage. I didn’t even fully understand it, but I did tell him him that I was open to it.

I was a bit disappointed after our session ended, because I didn’t feel much relief, and I was still feeling that same sense of touch deprivation. I asked him for clarification on what I should experience/feel. He said it would help me with emotions that were ‘stuck,’ so that things would flow freely. That actually scared me, because I’ve had almost non-stop, free-flowing emotions.

Perhaps I just didn’t understand what he meant; I have to say that this is the least anxious I’ve felt since 12/20. I’m still having bursts of anxiety tied to thoughts about Diana not being here, but it’s not as constant as it was even yesterday.

Jan 17, 2017. 8:57pm.

Many people know that I’ve been suicidal quite a bit since Diana took her life. I’ve been so overwhelmed by emotions, lack of sleep, low appetite and weight loss, work, the logistics left behind. The other piece of my suicidality is desperately wanting to be reunited.

I found myself having to stop/wait at train tracks for two different trains in two different locations yesterday, and the ideation was very, very strong.

What has kept me from taking my life so far are these two things: 1) she spelled out in her suicide note what she wanted for me – she told me I have a lot of life left to live, filled with purpose and meaning, and she said she wanted me to find great love again, and 2) I keep thinking that if I am meant to be with her quickly, I feel like it will happen on its own, soon enough.

For awhile, and to fight her suicidality, she kept saying, “death is a line I know I’ll cross… Why rush to the line? I’ll get to that line soon enough.”

I so wish she had been able to keep that logic in place. It’s ironic that I now find myself trying to do the same. Suicide really is equivocal to pain transfer.

Jan 17, 2017. 11:26pm.

She has so many great pictures, but this one… This one gets me. This is how she so often looked at me when we were talking.

Like what I had to say was the most important thing in the world to her.

Or perhaps that I was the most important person in the world to her.

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