Backlog 16 – 1/21/17 & 1/22/17

Jan 21, 2017. 2:06am.

Each time I am able to share Diana’s suicide note with someone else, especially with someone who knew her, it feels like spreading the pain out a little bit among others.

Jan 21, 2017. 9:32am.

Waking up on Saturdays used to be the best. I would get so excited about spending time with Diana all weekend. Today I woke up after only 3.5 hours of sleep, anxious, sad, missing her. I hate this.

Jan 21, 2017. 11:40am.

I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, but life really doesn’t feel real. Nothing can be depended upon. Everything and everyone is transient. There is no such thing as safety or security. They’re both an illusion.

Jan 21, 2017. 12:36pm.

I am wearing a pretty thick blanket of depression and darkness today after a huge improvement yesterday. I feel detached and hopeless again. I don’t want to leave the house, but I have 10 days to finish emptying Diana’s apartment.

I don’t understand these waves/cycles.

Jan 21, 2017. 2:52pm.

I have developed a bit of a routine of talking/crying with Diana in the shower each day. Had about 20 minutes of that just now. I notice a difference in how I feel afterward each time I do this. Definitely less heavy and less disconnected from reality, even if only for a time.

Jan 22, 2017. 7:55am.

Love, I get so lost sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don’t like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

—Peter Gabriel, as sung by Sara Bareilles

Jan 22, 2017. 8:05am.

and did i tell you how i stopped eating,
when you stopped calling me?
and i was cramped up,
shitting rivers for weeks.

Jan 22, 2017. 11:31am.

It’s still so hard to see the world keep turning, to keep seeing the marches and the political banter, to keep seeing people post a bunch of what seems like nonsense.

I just want to scream and ask people if they realize she’s dead. If they realize nothing makes sense. If they realize that I feel like I’m dying too.

And then I realize that, for the most part, they don’t. Life goes on. This is all too much and too surreal.

Jan 22, 2017. 6:50pm.

Seeing Zoë Lewis for you (or perhaps with you), my love, Diana. I know you would want me to see her, just like we did, not that long ago.

Already started crying. I love you and miss you so much.

Jan 22, 2017. 10:12pm.

I literally want to beg her to come back. Please please please, baby. Please.


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