Just one month prior

This was posted by Diana to Facebook on 11/19/2016, just a day before our seven-day Western Caribbean cruise, and just one month and one day prior to her suicide.

“CW: suicidality, murder, TDOR

Moment of honesty*

This cruise has been for me what I call a milestone: something that I look forward to as a “cannot end my life before this” point in time. I’m a little surprised that I made it. This milestone has been in place for 10 months, and I’ve gone through a whole world of hurt this year.

There were many times when I wanted to throw in the towel. I’ve lived a lot of life, and a lot of lives, and my prospects for the future have seemed bleak. Therapy and medication have helped a lot as far as how I feel and think goes, but haven’t changed my circumstances.

In thinking about what I could still look forward to that would be powerful enough to go through this next phase of my life, I’ve been concentrating on my art and especially my photography. It has given me great joy to exhibit some of my work this year.

When I get back from this trip, I have some really big decisions to make. I’m not going to let myself think about them until this adventure is complete. And I’m coming back with LOTS of photos to go through.

TDOR is officially tomorrow. More of my people have been murdered in the United States this year than ever recorded before. Many many more have ended their own lives – children, youth, adults, and seniors – in every circumstance imaginable. Death is an ever-present reality when you are trans, and it rarely waits for old age and infirmity to take you. That was true long before this past election, which has folks so terrified.

Maybe I’ve had enough for one life. Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll be okay getting through the next year, and the next, and the next. I definitely have a great love in my life (he really is the greatest), and the love of many friends. And I know I’m strong enough to make it through if I choose to.

For now, it’s a matter of existential choices. And cruise ships.

Love always

*actually, I’m pretty much always that, though I keep the most burdensome stuff to myself most of the time.”

My reply to her was:

“I just finished packing for the milestone trip. I hadn’t seen this post until now. I’ll admit that I wasn’t sure you’d make it — then again, there were many points during this year that I wasn’t sure I would either.

You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known, and I am so glad that you are still here. Your love, your brilliance, y(our) dialogue, and your creativity has sustained and fueled me.

I really believe that together, things will just keep getting better from here on out. Not because we need each other — but because we still want each other. I love you so much, and I cannot wait to share this week-long adventure with you — to make love, to make laughter, to make art.”

I still cannot believe she is gone.  Her words are so powerful.


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