Backlog 20 – 1/28/17 – 1/31/17

Jan 28, 2017. 9:43am.

Facebook used to be a mental refuge. Now it’s just awful to even look at status updates. The world seems to be falling apart, and the one being whose arms I wish I could take shelter in is no longer here.

Jan 28, 2017. 5:55am.

So much love and gratitude for my friends, Karen and Luke, who helped me get all of the large items from Diana’s place to mine today, and for being so patient with me as I moved through many emotions.  I love you both so much, and I think the universe brought you back to Miami at just the right time. Thank you again.

Jan 28, 2017. 10:22pm.

I’m kinda on a date, if you can believe that, and I dunno if that’s a great thing or a horrible thing…

Jan 29, 2017. 10:15am.

Waking up alone in my apartment on a cool, rainy Sunday morning feels like a cruel, cruel joke. On a morning like this, Diana and I would surely have loved and snuggled and talked in her bed for hours. Why is being in this world so hard?

Jan 29, 2017. 12:12pm.

I felt that all the time with her – I think she did too. And yet I still don’t believe she is gone.

“Our plans for the future made us laugh and feel close, but those same plans somehow made anything more than temporary between us seem impossible. It was the first time I’d ever had the feeling of missing someone I was still with.”
Stuart Dybek

Jan 29, 2017. 1:00pm.

I go back and forth between thinking I’ll never find great love again, and never wanting to again. Both thought processes result in a feeling of hopelessness.

Jan 29, 2017. 2:55pm.

I got out of bed, showered, fed the cats, made rice, warmed up leftovers to go with the rice, and ate a bowl of food.

I feel like I just hiked a mountain.

Jan 29, 2017. 11:17pm.

Sex Workers Outreach Project, SWOP, wrote about my love, Diana Hemingway (founder of SWOP South Florida). It is deeply meaningful to me to see the scope of Diana’s reach, and to see others honoring her legacy:

Jan 29, 2017. 11:48pm.

I get so wrapped up in my own grief that sometimes I lose sight of how very much Diana meant to so many people and communities.

My love is gone, but so is an incredible activist, teacher, lifelong learner, fixer-upper, sexual healer, nurturer, artist, lover, advocate, kinkster, writer, photographer … Just like, wtf. This is still so awful.

Jan 30, 2017. 9:19am.

WHY do I keep waking up at 7 or 7:30 every morning no matter what time I go to sleep or what sleeping aids I use?! And it’s always with a burst of anxiety. I’m so tired.

Jan 30, 2017. 7:21pm.

Realized tonight that Diana and I never even made it to a baseball game. She really wanted to take me. There were so many more memories to make, so many plans we’d made. I am truly heartbroken, and don’t know how or if I’ll ever heal.

Jan 31, 2017. 1:55am.

One of Diana’s friends paid for me to have three remote (phone) singing bowl healing sessions with a Shaman. My second one was today.

Today was the first day I felt more numbness than pain (which made me far more functional).

I really am trying to trust in the spiritual realm in a way I never have before. This session really did seem to help. I’ll take numbness over debilitating heartache and guilt any day.

Jan 31, 2017. 9:56am.

I shared this quote with Diana in mind a year ago today:  “Maybe that’s what love is. Having someone who guides you through different experiences, coaxes you to try news things, but still makes you feel safe.”
Wally Lamb, We Are Water

God I miss her.

Jan 31, 2017. 10:04am.

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” ~Madeleine L’Engle

Jan 31, 2017. 11:46am.

Today makes six weeks.

I am missing Diana so much this morning. My heart and body are aching. The numbness I felt yesterday was short-lived.

I am running out of energy to keep grieving this way. I read that partners who lose partners (esp. unexpectedly) sometimes die of a broken heart within the first year. I really feel this could happen to me.


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