Backlog 22 – 2/2/17 & 2/3/17

Feb 02, 2017. 4:28am.

Took a whole Klonopin and still can’t sleep. Missing my baby love so so much. There is so much more I wish I had said. I wish I’d fought harder for her. I just want to hold her in my arms again.

Feb 02, 2017. 11:30pm.

Very very thankful for Jack, today and always.

Feb 03, 2017. 1:25am.

I still have moments where I realize Diana is gone (at least in body, as I am now making space for there being more to us than our bodies), and they totally take my breath away – – every time. Sometimes I still go into shock.

And when the pain comes, it is so profoundly deep. It aches in my belly, my chest, my thighs. I guess all of this speaks to the depth of our love.

I was fairly certain Diana would die by suicide; I just did not think it would come so soon. I may forever wonder if I could have done or said something to have prevented this outcome at this point in Diana’s life, in our life and journey together.

I miss her in ways for which there are not words.

Feb 03, 2017. 1:52am.

In pondering the afterlife yesterday during therapy, I looked at both possible outcomes:

A) there is no afterlife. We turn to dust. This is what I’ve always believed prior to this significant life event. This would mean that Diana is no longer suffering in any way.

B) there is an afterlife. I am just beginning to contemplate such possibilities. This might mean her body is gone, but her spirit remains … And perhaps we will see one another again.

While I am deeply sad for the time she spent planning her suicide, for the fact that she didn’t feel she could tell anyone she had an active plan, for the time she spent driving to Stuart with her thoughts (I can’t help but wonder what they were), and for her having to engage in this final act of self-preservation entirely alone, I know that this time was fleeting. She had a lifetime of struggles and trauma.

Neither of these aforementioned outcomes seem bad for her. Both would suggest that she is in peace, one way or another.

Today I am driving to Cassadaga to meet with a medium. I can only hope this brings me some peace, too.

Feb 03, 2017. 10:19am.

Sitting here, thinking about my life again
And I don’t know if I’ll be able to write about anything else
Cuz there’s so much about me

And I can feel the Earth moving beneath me
The ants are going about their daily work
And the grass is shifting under my weight
And the weight of my childhood lies heavily on my chest

So, it’s time for me to start telling the truth in my life
Stop pretending I don’t see or hear anything at all
And I heard a poet quote another poet on some summer’s day
She said we lie with words and silence, too

Chorus:
Wake me up from this long lost dream
Cuz I’ve been sleepwalking for most of my life now
And I don’t know if this Earth can be healed
So I’m working really hard to heal myself

And if you think it’s getting better, then let me ask you this:
What if there were no bitch, no whore, no motherfucker
What if it was just fuck you, father?
I said, Fuckyoufather

Chorus:
Wake me up from this long lost dream
Cuz I’ve been sleepwalking for most of my life now
And I don’t know if this Earth can be healed
So I’m working really hard to heal myself

And what if women weren’t afraid
And what if men weren’t afraid too
And what if we all stopped to think about our place in this world
And what if I could love who I wanted
And what if I could be who I wanted

And I laugh when people tell me they don’t want to be extreme
And I say think of this: misogyny’s extreme
And patriarchy’s extreme and homophobia’s extreme
And hatred is extreme and rape is extreme
And unconsciousness is extreme
And consciousness is extreme
And feeling is extreme and freedom is extreme
And choice is extreme and self-love is extreme

By singing, I heal myself
By climbing mountains, I heal myself
By lying under the Moon, I heal myself
By telling my stories, I heal myself

Chorus:
Wake me up from this long lost dream
Cuz I’ve been sleepwalking for most of my life now
And I don’t know if this Earth can be healed
So I’m working really hard to heal myself
I’m working really hard, yeah, to heal myself

-Kate Reid

Feb 03, 2017. 10:42am.

It isn’t very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn’t take a genius to realize
That sometimes life is hard
It’s gonna take time
But you’ll just have to wait
You’re gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don’t wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn’t mean they’re off the shelf
Because pain’s built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady

Don’t hold on but don’t let go
I know it’s so hard
You’ve got to try to trust yourself
I know it’s so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over, heal over, heal over someday
-KT Tunstall

Feb 03, 2017. 11:03am.

In less than two years, I’ve lost my grandpa, my aunt, and my partner. “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd used make me feel really sad when my aunt listened to it as I was growing up. I didn’t even know why. She’d blast Pink Floyd all the way to the Keys, and I’d always have a reaction to that song. After these two years, it just hits me in the gut. To love really is to lose.

Feb 03, 2017. 11:59pm.

Grief continues to be an all-body experience. I start to live for an hour or two, and then it comes back again. I just envisioned Diana sitting with me on my couch not that long ago, cuddling, talking, my head in her lap, staring into her eyes. Sometimes I just feel totally nauseated – I still cannot believe she’s gone.

 

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