Backlog 24 – 2/6/17 – 2/10/17

Feb 06, 2017. 7:22am.

You never know if the conversation you’re having with someone might be the last you have with them – don’t hold back. As John Mayer said, ‘say what you need to say.’

#FUgrief #guilt #ifonly #missingyou #whatif

Feb 06, 2017. 9:39am.

I’ve had so few dreams of Diana. I tried to force myself to go back to sleep this morning (since I woke up way too early), and then had a nightmare about her.

She was telling me that I’d called her a man, and wouldn’t explain when or how, but she was really angry at me. People were backing her up on it; we were in some class at UM together.

Then she was talking about the future, but I knew she had already killed herself, so I got mad that she was talking about the future.

We drove home together and I told her I was sorry for anything I’d ever said to hurt her and I was sobbing. This dream sucked. No more of these, please.

Feb 06, 2017. 5:54pm.

First full day back at work; definitely feeling overwhelmed, especially since so many other things remain to be done in relation to losing Diana.

I do not want to lose myself in this, but it’s a very real fear. I’ve already heard of many people losing their homes, jobs, animals, careers, and sense of self after someone close to them dies by suicide. I’m trying not to internalize that, and trying to keep two feet on the ground. I miss her so much. This shit is really hard.

Please send strength, healing, focus, calm, energy, tenacity, purpose (etc.) my way. I still can’t believe this happened.

Feb 07, 2017. 6:59am.

Brain woke me up at 6:30am today. Didn’t even make it to 7:30, which has been the pattern.

Can’t turn off my thoughts. Missing Diana so very much, and still wishing I’d done more. I didn’t fight for her. There’s so much I didn’t say that I wish I had.

We had something magical.

Good morning, reality.

Feb 07, 2017. 9:55am.

On a day when I’ve had only a few hours of sleep, maintenance decided to do some kind of major repairs outside starting at 8am. Two hours later, the banging and sawing continues. Guess there’s no more sleep in sight. Not only are my mind and spirit extremely tired, but so is my body. I really needed sleep. Life feels so heavy.

Feb 07, 2017. 10:43am.

Flashback to that time when Diana won me a bicycle, took home tons of leftovers (as usual), and when she rescued an injured iguana. I miss her so much that it hurts in every part of my body.

Diana wrote:  Fun at Aqua Foundation for Women Family Picnic!  She took this awesome panorama –

No automatic alt text available.

Feb 07, 2017. 4:04pm.

A couple of times now, I’ve had to list my ’emergency contact’ on something. It destroys me every time. Diana was more than my partner – she was my family. This hurts so much.

Feb 08, 2017. 12:57am.

When the sun sits down on the mountains
and the clouds turn purple and pink
and golden rays send fingers out to touch me,
I stop breathing and inhale with my heart
because I know
that along those glittering strands of light
lies my connection
to you.
-Sandy Goodman, Love Never Dies

Feb 08, 2017. 7:40pm.

There are moments where I still feel completely gutted. I can’t believe my love is gone, and that she’s become a statistic. I can’t.

Feb 09, 2017. 2:59am.

Tonight I called the trans lifeline for the second time since Diana took her life.

I was feeling awful. And I worry about the ears of my friends growing wary. Plus, it’s so hard for me to reach out to people I know from this darkness.

Both times that I’ve called, I’ve gotten a warm, eager, kind, trans-identified listener. Being able to talk with another trans person about Diana’s suicide, to share her struggles and her story, how hard this is right now, and being able to just cry with someone, is meaningful.

If you’re trans and you ever feel like you just want to give up, or even like you just don’t have anyone to talk to who will understand, call them.


Feb 09, 2017. 11:34am.

I don’t know how to crawl out of this pit. I am going to therapy (often), taking meds, writing, reaching out when I have the energy, reading and listening to podcasts about the afterlife, going to work, trying to stay grounded, trying to force myself to eat and sleep (neither are working out well, but I’m trying).

I just don’t feel like things are getting better. I don’t know what else to try/do.

Feb 10, 2017. 1:34pm.

I read that sometimes the pain seems to get worse as we get further from a loss, because we are further and further from seeing that person, from our last connection with them. I feel like that is true for me. Sometimes the depth of the hurt is just so very deep.

If only I’d had any idea that Diana would be gone that Tuesday, I would have held her all night Sunday night. I still can’t believe this.



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