Another Sunday

Feb 12, 2017. 10:59am.

Life feels so empty this morning. Waking up on a Sunday morning without my love beside me is still too much.

I keep thinking that there has to be a way to reverse all this somehow, to rewind time, talk to her about all the options, let her know how much she is valued and loved.

I know my brain will get it in time, but today isn’t that day. I just want to feel okay again.

Feb 12, 2017. 11:21am.

Thankful to the many people that helped me to get Diana’s apartment emptied, and helped me to get items I wanted to keep to my place (and a few things to storage). I’m beyond grateful.

Next step: somehow organizing my now-upside-down apartment.

Next next step: somehow trying to adjust to this very unfamiliar, confusing, depressing, overwhelming, and lonely new life.

Next next next step: “grief projects” (there are so many things I want/need to do to honor our love and our life together)

I miss her so much.

Feb 12, 2017. 10:16pm.

My response to trauma has always been to vomit. Don’t know why. The night I found out about Diana, that was my first reaction. I’ve been nauseated a ton since then.

Couldn’t stop throwing up and sweating tonight. How in the hell is this seemingly getting worse instead of better? I don’t even know what brought this on, but it’s like I keep experiencing trauma reactions over and over again in different ways.

 

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One thought on “Another Sunday

  1. I saw your post on the ADC site and hope I can be of some help. I lost my Jerry almost 10 years ago. We had been partners for 42 years. After Jerry suddenly and unexpectedly died, at age 59, I was suddenly all alone for the first time in my adult life. To put it mildly, it was crushing, but somehow, I have made it this far. A lot of that is due to frequent ADC’s I get from Jerry, which leads me to believe that in the greater scheme of things, this separation is maybe just be a bump in the road.

    Before Jerry died, we were both agnostic/atheistic and practiced no religion. Never gave the afterlife much thought. Somehow after Jerry died, I sensed that I would hear from him. But it took 8 months. So if you don’t hear right away, don’t despair. I sense that it takes awhile for them to become oriented in their new surroundings, plus their sense of time is different that ours. A month of our time is only like a few minutes to them.

    I think largely by blind luck, I did things that seemed to help. I kept Jerry’s urn nearby. I run white noise. I talk every night to Jerry. But you have to be careful, as if you say bad things, they will hear that too and it will hurt their feelings. I have also kept a good diary, which has now gotten quite voluminous.

    Usually there will be some contact every couple of weeks, though it is streaky. Contact seems most likely to come if I say something very heartfelt and really mean it.

    Unless every sense has been deceiving me for nearly 10 years, I am sure there is an afterlife. While it might not match the traditional view of Heaven, it seems to be a very nice place.

    I have not had much experience with mediums. I was ripped off by a supposed star psychic (once) who was clueless.

    If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Sooner or later, I believe you will receive unmistakable contact. Probably when you least expect it!

    Andy

    Like

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