Backlog 24 – 2/6/17 – 2/10/17

Feb 06, 2017. 7:22am.

You never know if the conversation you’re having with someone might be the last you have with them – don’t hold back. As John Mayer said, ‘say what you need to say.’

#FUgrief #guilt #ifonly #missingyou #whatif

Feb 06, 2017. 9:39am.

I’ve had so few dreams of Diana. I tried to force myself to go back to sleep this morning (since I woke up way too early), and then had a nightmare about her.

She was telling me that I’d called her a man, and wouldn’t explain when or how, but she was really angry at me. People were backing her up on it; we were in some class at UM together.

Then she was talking about the future, but I knew she had already killed herself, so I got mad that she was talking about the future.

We drove home together and I told her I was sorry for anything I’d ever said to hurt her and I was sobbing. This dream sucked. No more of these, please.

Feb 06, 2017. 5:54pm.

First full day back at work; definitely feeling overwhelmed, especially since so many other things remain to be done in relation to losing Diana.

I do not want to lose myself in this, but it’s a very real fear. I’ve already heard of many people losing their homes, jobs, animals, careers, and sense of self after someone close to them dies by suicide. I’m trying not to internalize that, and trying to keep two feet on the ground. I miss her so much. This shit is really hard.

Please send strength, healing, focus, calm, energy, tenacity, purpose (etc.) my way. I still can’t believe this happened.

Feb 07, 2017. 6:59am.

Brain woke me up at 6:30am today. Didn’t even make it to 7:30, which has been the pattern.

Can’t turn off my thoughts. Missing Diana so very much, and still wishing I’d done more. I didn’t fight for her. There’s so much I didn’t say that I wish I had.

We had something magical.

Good morning, reality.

Feb 07, 2017. 9:55am.

On a day when I’ve had only a few hours of sleep, maintenance decided to do some kind of major repairs outside starting at 8am. Two hours later, the banging and sawing continues. Guess there’s no more sleep in sight. Not only are my mind and spirit extremely tired, but so is my body. I really needed sleep. Life feels so heavy.

Feb 07, 2017. 10:43am.

Flashback to that time when Diana won me a bicycle, took home tons of leftovers (as usual), and when she rescued an injured iguana. I miss her so much that it hurts in every part of my body.

Diana wrote:  Fun at Aqua Foundation for Women Family Picnic!  She took this awesome panorama –

Feb 07, 2017. 4:04pm.

A couple of times now, I’ve had to list my ’emergency contact’ on something. It destroys me every time. Diana was more than my partner – she was my family. This hurts so much.

Feb 08, 2017. 12:57am.

When the sun sits down on the mountains
and the clouds turn purple and pink
and golden rays send fingers out to touch me,
I stop breathing and inhale with my heart
because I know
that along those glittering strands of light
lies my connection
to you.
-Sandy Goodman, Love Never Dies

Feb 08, 2017. 7:40pm.

There are moments where I still feel completely gutted. I can’t believe my love is gone, and that she’s become a statistic. I can’t.

Feb 09, 2017. 2:59am.

Tonight I called the trans lifeline for the second time since Diana took her life.

I was feeling awful. And I worry about the ears of my friends growing wary. Plus, it’s so hard for me to reach out to people I know from this darkness.

Both times that I’ve called, I’ve gotten a warm, eager, kind, trans-identified listener. Being able to talk with another trans person about Diana’s suicide, to share her struggles and her story, how hard this is right now, and being able to just cry with someone, is meaningful.

If you’re trans and you ever feel like you just want to give up, or even like you just don’t have anyone to talk to who will understand, call them.

1-877-565-8860

Feb 09, 2017. 11:34am.

I don’t know how to crawl out of this pit. I am going to therapy (often), taking meds, writing, reaching out when I have the energy, reading and listening to podcasts about the afterlife, going to work, trying to stay grounded, trying to force myself to eat and sleep (neither are working out well, but I’m trying).

I just don’t feel like things are getting better. I don’t know what else to try/do.

Feb 10, 2017. 1:34pm.

I read that sometimes the pain seems to get worse as we get further from a loss, because we are further and further from seeing that person, from our last connection with them. I feel like that is true for me. Sometimes the depth of the hurt is just so very deep.

If only I’d had any idea that Diana would be gone that Tuesday, I would have held her all night Sunday night. I still can’t believe this.

 

Backlog 22 – 2/2/17 & 2/3/17

Feb 02, 2017. 4:28am.

Took a whole Klonopin and still can’t sleep. Missing my baby love so so much. There is so much more I wish I had said. I wish I’d fought harder for her. I just want to hold her in my arms again.

Feb 02, 2017. 11:30pm.

Very very thankful for Jack, today and always.

Feb 03, 2017. 1:25am.

I still have moments where I realize Diana is gone (at least in body, as I am now making space for there being more to us than our bodies), and they totally take my breath away – – every time. Sometimes I still go into shock.

And when the pain comes, it is so profoundly deep. It aches in my belly, my chest, my thighs. I guess all of this speaks to the depth of our love.

I was fairly certain Diana would die by suicide; I just did not think it would come so soon. I may forever wonder if I could have done or said something to have prevented this outcome at this point in Diana’s life, in our life and journey together.

I miss her in ways for which there are not words.

Feb 03, 2017. 1:52am.

In pondering the afterlife yesterday during therapy, I looked at both possible outcomes:

A) there is no afterlife. We turn to dust. This is what I’ve always believed prior to this significant life event. This would mean that Diana is no longer suffering in any way.

B) there is an afterlife. I am just beginning to contemplate such possibilities. This might mean her body is gone, but her spirit remains … And perhaps we will see one another again.

While I am deeply sad for the time she spent planning her suicide, for the fact that she didn’t feel she could tell anyone she had an active plan, for the time she spent driving to Stuart with her thoughts (I can’t help but wonder what they were), and for her having to engage in this final act of self-preservation entirely alone, I know that this time was fleeting. She had a lifetime of struggles and trauma.

Neither of these aforementioned outcomes seem bad for her. Both would suggest that she is in peace, one way or another.

Today I am driving to Cassadaga to meet with a medium. I can only hope this brings me some peace, too.

Feb 03, 2017. 10:19am.

Sitting here, thinking about my life again
And I don’t know if I’ll be able to write about anything else
Cuz there’s so much about me

And I can feel the Earth moving beneath me
The ants are going about their daily work
And the grass is shifting under my weight
And the weight of my childhood lies heavily on my chest

So, it’s time for me to start telling the truth in my life
Stop pretending I don’t see or hear anything at all
And I heard a poet quote another poet on some summer’s day
She said we lie with words and silence, too

Chorus:
Wake me up from this long lost dream
Cuz I’ve been sleepwalking for most of my life now
And I don’t know if this Earth can be healed
So I’m working really hard to heal myself

And if you think it’s getting better, then let me ask you this:
What if there were no bitch, no whore, no motherfucker
What if it was just fuck you, father?
I said, Fuckyoufather

Chorus:
Wake me up from this long lost dream
Cuz I’ve been sleepwalking for most of my life now
And I don’t know if this Earth can be healed
So I’m working really hard to heal myself

And what if women weren’t afraid
And what if men weren’t afraid too
And what if we all stopped to think about our place in this world
And what if I could love who I wanted
And what if I could be who I wanted

And I laugh when people tell me they don’t want to be extreme
And I say think of this: misogyny’s extreme
And patriarchy’s extreme and homophobia’s extreme
And hatred is extreme and rape is extreme
And unconsciousness is extreme
And consciousness is extreme
And feeling is extreme and freedom is extreme
And choice is extreme and self-love is extreme

By singing, I heal myself
By climbing mountains, I heal myself
By lying under the Moon, I heal myself
By telling my stories, I heal myself

Chorus:
Wake me up from this long lost dream
Cuz I’ve been sleepwalking for most of my life now
And I don’t know if this Earth can be healed
So I’m working really hard to heal myself
I’m working really hard, yeah, to heal myself

-Kate Reid

Feb 03, 2017. 10:42am.

It isn’t very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn’t take a genius to realize
That sometimes life is hard
It’s gonna take time
But you’ll just have to wait
You’re gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don’t wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn’t mean they’re off the shelf
Because pain’s built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady

Don’t hold on but don’t let go
I know it’s so hard
You’ve got to try to trust yourself
I know it’s so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over, heal over, heal over someday
-KT Tunstall

Feb 03, 2017. 11:03am.

In less than two years, I’ve lost my grandpa, my aunt, and my partner. “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd used make me feel really sad when my aunt listened to it as I was growing up. I didn’t even know why. She’d blast Pink Floyd all the way to the Keys, and I’d always have a reaction to that song. After these two years, it just hits me in the gut. To love really is to lose.

Feb 03, 2017. 11:59pm.

Grief continues to be an all-body experience. I start to live for an hour or two, and then it comes back again. I just envisioned Diana sitting with me on my couch not that long ago, cuddling, talking, my head in her lap, staring into her eyes. Sometimes I just feel totally nauseated – I still cannot believe she’s gone.

 

Backlog 21 – 2/1/17

Feb 01, 2017 4:03am

“Every look back at the past is viewed from a new place, therefore one’s life history is continually reinterpreted through a newly born perspective every day. The road behind gets longer, and the road ahead shorter, and life and love seem so so immeasurably precious.” -Diana Hemingway, 11/5/16

Feb 01, 2017 4:19am

I need to try to sleep. I need to end this tough ass day on a positive note. Here it is.  Diana wrote this on May 8th, 2016:

“Gratitude in relationships.

I’m grateful for all the wonderful people in my life.

I am especially grateful for Landon, who I am in love with, and with whom I share a very special bond.

I am grateful for the many lovers who hold special places in my heart – near and far, in plain view and in private, regular and infrequent, casual and committed, friends who play and paramours. I am grateful that after all the suffering I’ve experienced, that I can still feel love…and infatuation. And desire.

I am grateful for my chosen families for the connections we share in community. For the way that time and distance don’t change the caring and affection we have for each other. For those who choose to keep me in their lives even when I’m beyond difficult, or simply misunderstood.

I am grateful for my first family – at least for those who still choose to be a part of my life. And for the extended family of the people I love, whether steps or in-laws or however they might be described.

I am grateful for my friends. So many many friends. And many acquaintances. For how we enrich each other’s lives. If we are connected here on Facebook, there is a good chance that we share strong personal experiences or vibrant community.

I am grateful to all those whom I’ve worked with at various jobs, in many different fields. And every artist, and every artist’s muse.

And a special shout of gratitude for all the sex workers and former sex workers in my life. We know how precious and important every one of these connections is. Especially since our emotional & physical labor takes everything we’ve got sometimes, and we leave it all on the bed, pole, camera, cross, and/or sidewalk. And then come back to whatever part of ALL OF THE ABOVE that remains in our life.

I am grateful that my “all of the above” is pretty damn full of wonderful people.”

Feb 01, 2017 11:31pm

I found an aborted suicide note written by my love from 2011. I took solace in the fact that the one written to me in 2016 was filled with love, whereas the one from 2011 was filled with darkness.

I remember her telling me how I had softened her, reconnected her to the world, helped her believe in love again.

I miss her so much.

 

Backlog 20 – 1/28/17 – 1/31/17

Jan 28, 2017. 9:43am.

Facebook used to be a mental refuge. Now it’s just awful to even look at status updates. The world seems to be falling apart, and the one being whose arms I wish I could take shelter in is no longer here.

Jan 28, 2017. 5:55am.

So much love and gratitude for my friends, Karen and Luke, who helped me get all of the large items from Diana’s place to mine today, and for being so patient with me as I moved through many emotions.  I love you both so much, and I think the universe brought you back to Miami at just the right time. Thank you again.

Jan 28, 2017. 10:22pm.

I’m kinda on a date, if you can believe that, and I dunno if that’s a great thing or a horrible thing…

Jan 29, 2017. 10:15am.

Waking up alone in my apartment on a cool, rainy Sunday morning feels like a cruel, cruel joke. On a morning like this, Diana and I would surely have loved and snuggled and talked in her bed for hours. Why is being in this world so hard?

Jan 29, 2017. 12:12pm.

I felt that all the time with her – I think she did too. And yet I still don’t believe she is gone.

“Our plans for the future made us laugh and feel close, but those same plans somehow made anything more than temporary between us seem impossible. It was the first time I’d ever had the feeling of missing someone I was still with.”
Stuart Dybek

Jan 29, 2017. 1:00pm.

I go back and forth between thinking I’ll never find great love again, and never wanting to again. Both thought processes result in a feeling of hopelessness.

Jan 29, 2017. 2:55pm.

I got out of bed, showered, fed the cats, made rice, warmed up leftovers to go with the rice, and ate a bowl of food.

I feel like I just hiked a mountain.

Jan 29, 2017. 11:17pm.

Sex Workers Outreach Project, SWOP, wrote about my love, Diana Hemingway (founder of SWOP South Florida). It is deeply meaningful to me to see the scope of Diana’s reach, and to see others honoring her legacy:

http://www.new.swopusa.org/2017/01/30/diana-hemingway-swop-south-florida/

Jan 29, 2017. 11:48pm.

I get so wrapped up in my own grief that sometimes I lose sight of how very much Diana meant to so many people and communities.

My love is gone, but so is an incredible activist, teacher, lifelong learner, fixer-upper, sexual healer, nurturer, artist, lover, advocate, kinkster, writer, photographer … Just like, wtf. This is still so awful.

Jan 30, 2017. 9:19am.

WHY do I keep waking up at 7 or 7:30 every morning no matter what time I go to sleep or what sleeping aids I use?! And it’s always with a burst of anxiety. I’m so tired.

Jan 30, 2017. 7:21pm.

Realized tonight that Diana and I never even made it to a baseball game. She really wanted to take me. There were so many more memories to make, so many plans we’d made. I am truly heartbroken, and don’t know how or if I’ll ever heal.

Jan 31, 2017. 1:55am.

One of Diana’s friends paid for me to have three remote (phone) singing bowl healing sessions with a Shaman. My second one was today.

Today was the first day I felt more numbness than pain (which made me far more functional).

I really am trying to trust in the spiritual realm in a way I never have before. This session really did seem to help. I’ll take numbness over debilitating heartache and guilt any day.

Jan 31, 2017. 9:56am.

I shared this quote with Diana in mind a year ago today:  “Maybe that’s what love is. Having someone who guides you through different experiences, coaxes you to try news things, but still makes you feel safe.”
Wally Lamb, We Are Water

God I miss her.

Jan 31, 2017. 10:04am.

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” ~Madeleine L’Engle

Jan 31, 2017. 11:46am.

Today makes six weeks.

I am missing Diana so much this morning. My heart and body are aching. The numbness I felt yesterday was short-lived.

I am running out of energy to keep grieving this way. I read that partners who lose partners (esp. unexpectedly) sometimes die of a broken heart within the first year. I really feel this could happen to me.

Backlog 16 – 1/20/17

Jan 20, 2017. 3:28am.

We kept saying we wanted each other, but that we didn’t need each other. Now, I’m not so sure. I am lost without you.

Jan 20, 2017. 3:37am.

Holy shit, my partner is gone.

Jan 20, 2017. 10:19am.

Today marks exactly one month since Diana Hemingway took her life. It feels as though it’s only been a few very long days.

I plan to watch Cloud Atlas today, since it keeps coming up. I’m not sure what to expect, but I’m a bit fearful of falling apart even more.

I miss her with my whole being, and things don’t feel like they’re getting easier yet.

Jan 20, 2017. 10:27am.

Even though Diana’s Facebook was memorialized (a big, HUGE F-U to whomever reported her deceased), it still says that we are in an open relationship. Maybe this is denial, but I feel like if I can survive this loss, I will remain in an open relationship with her – always and forever.

Jan 20, 2017. 10:30am.

There are a few people who have been able to honor my ask around being held/touched. I know this is not something everyone feels comfortable with. This has felt like my biggest need in all of this, so please know I am grateful.

Jan 20, 2017. 3:10pm.

Couldn’t sleep much again… Maybe four hours.

So I’m not sure how or why, but I got a sudden burst of energy today. I’ve literally been begging Diana for strength, in case she can somehow hear me.

I got the extra shower head that Diana bought for her place returned to Home Depot, bought cat food and treats at the pet store, washed dishes, took out the trash, fed the kitties soft food, put some things away, washed and folded two loads of laundry, picked up a package from UPS, set up and paid for a session with a medium, answered some emails, and got my application/script sent off for Androgel. I’m spent.

Now if only I could make myself eat something (ugh).

Jan 20, 2017. 8:10pm.

There were issues with the photo kiosks on board when we cruised in November, so these never live-posted to Facebook like they were supposed to. I jumped through some hoops to get the company to send me these. I miss her so much. — with Diana Hemingway.

Jan 20, 2017. 8:58pm.

One other thing I forgot to say about today, in terms of what I got done, is that I also managed to get the needed paperwork to the aforementioned bad ass attorney, so that we can (hopefully) get Diana’s death certificate amended to accurately reflect her name and gender.

 

Backlog 13 – 1/15/17 & 1/16/17

Jan 15, 2017. 3:42am.

Jan 15, 2017. 3:56am.

I think this officially qualifies as one of the toughest Saturday evenings I’ve had in three years.

All of this is both not real and very, very real at the same time. I miss my baby love so much.

Jan 15, 2017. 8:56am.

No matter what time I go to sleep, no matter what sleep aids I take, I wake up between 7 and 8:30am feeling anxious and unrested. Only slept maybe four hours, and definitely had a series of small bad dreams.

I’ve always slept easily until 10 or 11am, especially on Sunday mornings in her arms in Wilton.

Truly don’t recognize myself. I’m so sick of this.

Jan 15, 2017. 9:43am.

I really want to be positive, but I can’t find it in me. I am not going to apologize for my posts, but I know it might be a lot for folks to read, and that I post a lot.

Between the grief, anger, sleep deprivation, anxiety, memories that overcome me, reduced appetite, flashbacks, bodily stuff, and the overwhelming amount of work that must be done, I really feel like I’m losing the energy to keep pressing on.

I keep thinking ‘tomorrow will be better,’ but each day seems to get worse. I am starting to believe that the people telling me it gets better/easier are either not telling the truth, or haven’t really experienced this in the way that I am.

I lost my soulmate and it really feels like I’m losing my own soul.

I really need to work on her apartment today, but I just want to hide somewhere. I’m so tired.

Jan 15, 2017. 4:44pm.

Grief literally lives in my body. I feel so sick today.

Jan 15, 2017. 5:10pm.

Nothing seems to matter anymore. I feel disconnected from self and purpose. That alone is really hard to sit with.

Jan 15, 2017. 6:49pm.

Someday I will ask you if I was a disappointment
I will ask you if you put your hard earned money into a bad investment
You will tell me there are no guarantees but you got solutions for security
And I will ask you, I will ask you
How about my dreams

But you say life is a battlefield
And you have given me the arms
You say I have to fight
I have to keep moving on.
-Susie Suh

Jan 16, 2017. 10:07am.

That time, exactly two years ago today, when Diana Hemingway wrote for Daily Dot…

http://www.dailydot.com/irl/my-year-in-sex-work/

Jan 16, 2017. 10:09am.

“When without a warning, you walked right in … sat yourself inside me and ordered.

Never has it been … so easy, to just lay still, and let somebody see me.”

-Melissa Ferrick

Jan 16, 2017. 10:26am.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, “Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?”
No she’s not, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, “Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?”
No she can’t, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?
would you get them if I did?
No you won’t, ’cause you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part.

-John Mayer

Jan 16, 2017. 5:13pm.

This pain, and all that is currently associated with losing Diana, has reminded me that no matter how old we are, and although our bodies may grow, in many ways we are still our little selves.

At our most vulnerable (and when the baggage of life’s journey is set aside), we seek comfort, calm, protection and safety, familiarity, to be seen and heard, to be held, to feel loved.

Jan 16, 2017. 10:20pm.

Tonight, I went to a group for survivors of loved ones who have died by suicide. I have a lot to say, but need to mull it over for a bit longer first.

 

Backlog 9 – 1/9 and 1/10/17

January 9th, 2017. 8:10am.

I am frustrated. I have not dreamt of Diana since this happened. I so long to feel she is here with me, even if only in my sleep.

The first thought that crosses my mind each morning is something akin to “Shit. She’s gone.” The second is “Did I dream of her? … Dammit.”

Maybe it’s because I’m still not sleeping soundly or long enough.

January 9th, 2017. 12:20pm.

There are so many moments throughout the day when reality hits. I get a flood of images, then I feel it in my belly, and it takes my breath away. I feel an overwhelming sense of despair, emptiness, hopelessness. Her words, her voice, her touch, her arms were my refuge from feelings like these.

Even as a social worker, I often don’t know what to tell myself in these moments or how to cope.

January 9th, 2017. 2:28pm.

Sometimes I just feel the need to throw up.

January 9th, 2017. 10:25pm.

We had so much left to do, to see, to feel and experience, to talk about with one another. We had entire lists of movies to see and restaurants we wanted to eat at together.

Futures aren’t guaranteed, y’all. Don’t put shit off.

January 9th, 2017. 10:27pm.

I am very grateful for my new work family today. I broke down HARD at one point, and I was wholly supported and loved on.

January 10th, 2017. 12:02am.

Wow. Diana dodged Backpage (a site where escorts and other sex workers advertise their services) being shut down. That would have overwhelmed her so hard. Damn. Silver linings?

January 10th, 2017. 7:14am.

Go to hell, transphobia, whorephobia, mental illness and cognitive distortion, ableism, fear, NPIC politics, suicidality.

And grief.

I feel like I am corroding from the inside out this morning.

January 10th, 2017. 7:20am.

It makes three weeks today that Diana walked out of this life. The feelings are just as raw as they were day one, except more varied and more complex. And the anxiety has gotten worse. I don’t know how people live through shit like this. I am so out of energy.

January 10th, 2017. 8:05am.

Sometimes it feels like there’s a pot of something just boiling inside my lungs.

January 10th, 2017. 11:10am.

My mom texted me last night that perhaps our love wasn’t true love if Diana was willing to leave me. This is really damaging right now. At what point do I cut off communication with her?

January 10th, 2017. 11:18pm.

I was pretty angry today and I had multiple meltdowns. Also, I am grieving our future almost as much as our past. I hate all of this. I would do anything to rewind time.

January 10th, 2017. 11:21pm.

I have been bleeding for two days — This is highly unusual. As a transmasculine person on regular testosterone, this is always somewhat distressing.

I believe my body is literally grieving our physical connection and intimacy. Everything is out of whack.

 

 

 

 

Shockwaves

Been sleeping about 5-6 hours (an improvement), but when I wake up, it feels like the nightmare begins all over again.

I start work today at a new job. Diana and I had planned to take some time off together last week to help me enter the new year/job refreshed.

Things definitely didn’t go as planned. I’m still in shock and disbelief sometimes.

Insomnia, Day 6

(TW: Suicide, graphic thoughts)

I still can’t sleep. There is definitely a strong internal resistance to sleep right now, and I can’t seem to shake it enough to sleep for more than 2-3 hours each morning.  I’ve slept a cumulative total of about ten hours since I got the news that Diana was gone.

I cried so hard and so much today.  Earlier this afternoon, I started to visualize my love there in that peaceful, beautiful location, ready to slip into what she called her ‘final sleep’ in the suicide note she left me.  I tried so hard to stop there, to be okay with that, but then my mind wandered.

I could see her sitting there with her gun laid in her lap, alone.  I could see her mustering up strength, taking deep breaths, telling herself to fight her ‘lizard brain,’ wishing someone were with her — perhaps wishing I were there to hold her for awhile, like she wrote.  She was pretty clear with me in the past that she did not want to die alone, but she knew that her views on autonomy in end of life choices were not among the majority. She also put in the note that life was not fair, even in death.  She had talked about wanting a big party, surrounded by friends and love.  A send off, if you will.  The idea of her sitting there alone gutted me.

Then, I could almost see, hear, feel her pull the trigger.

I began to scream and cry and felt, again, like I was drowning.   Just a bit after that, I heard gunshots outside.  Maybe going to the location so soon was a bad idea.  My mind is now very capable of tormenting me by filling in unnecessarily graphic details.

I finally started to doze a bit about an hour ago.  I think I fell asleep for maybe three or four minutes before I had a nightmare about narrowly missing a head-on collision right by my house.  I could sense that I had fallen asleep at the wheel, and that someone was in the car with me, just grateful to be alive.  I asked them “What happened?,” and then I was jarred awake, my heart pounding.

It’s Christmas, I know.  I promise I am not intentionally wallowing.  I feel incapable of much else.  I also know that I should go out and try to be around people, but I’m struggling with the idea of leaving the house.  I think that nightmare was telling me that it’s probably not safe for me to drive with this level of sleep deprivation.

All I know is that this is not okay.  I am not okay.

Without

“It’s been too many nights of being with to now be suddenly without.”

-Jewel, A Night Without Armor